Also this holiday season marks almost one year of me attempting to work through my grief. I"m starting to relize that I have to be more assertive in what I NEED from people instead of just hoping that will figure it out or think of me first. Year 2 means you aren't the first thought on people's mind, and that's not bad, but it's the truth that no one tells you.
I was very on edge as November approached. If you have followed my blog for while you will remember things started to go down hill for Josh this month. We had to cut out all travel because of swelling in Josh's legs, the chemo stopped working and he tried one last one that had awful side effects. It's also max's birthday, which I always struggle with because i feel like his is always overshadowed by hunting, questionable Wisconsin weather and thanksgiving. Also he doesn't share it with anyone, like Bella's. So while that time didn't go so well for me, this year, Max clearly didn't notice and had a good time. I've since decided to change things for next year to help with my anxiety over this. Praying for a smoother time next year.
Then comes all the family time. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but having to pick and choose who we see since you can only do so much in a little time. Also everyone kind of has broken up into little groups. I miss the large family gatherings. I had them as a child, then they faded out. I was overjoyed to join Josh's family to have those large gatherings, and as members of the family have grown, married, and died, that too has disappeared. I know I can't control it or change it, so learning to accept it is the all i can too. It's a hard bullet to bear. Losing Josh and then loosing time with extended family is a double loss. You have seen the photos of our thanksgiving. We did celebrate with my family and I'll be forever grateful that no matter what happens we still mange to get together for the holidays.
As our vacation time for Thanksgiving winded down, I was emotionally done. I just wanted to hid away, but with kids that's not possible. I forced myself to keep going, we did so much in the days around thanksgiving to create happy memories and traditions. I know that Josh always wanted to do more with the kids, but our lives were spent farming in the middle of no where, which meant it was hard to go and do things. We had our farm traditions, but once we left the farm it was hard to keep up with those. So now in the wake of our new home and Josh gone, we have created new traditions. These keep grief at bay until I'm ready to deal with it. Next up is actual christmas. It's so hard, Our lives at the farm created one holiday, then we moved to the trailer and created a new holiday, but then moving into the house started things all new again. I'll admit last year I was spoiled. It was so nice to be able to have people here christmas morning. That's just one morning I don't want to be on my own, at least not yet, so i'm dreading the day if i am. having other adults here means it's a celebration of a new birth, a wonderful baby, a happy time. If it's just me and the kids, its open presents and play. Yes I know i should be the one to make it's about the celebration, but i'm just lacking, or it's i'm missing the part of me who made the celebration worthwhile.
So the coming weeks will be me forcing a smile, and posting the happy moments. There will be real happy moments, but the dark ones will come out but remain hidden awayfrom the public. I know that both Josh and God are here for me, and I will turn to them in my time of need, but without the physical presences it's very hard.
I will be strong and make it through, one day this will all be easier . I am strong and have faith . Until i get to that point it's and uphill battle. I'm not sure why i was chosen for this role, but hopefully i will be able to prove that i was able to handle the role.
