Bella is 9 years old

So my baby girl is 9 years old today. It seems crazy to think that she is almost double digits. it also makes her 2nd birthday without her daddy. For her birthday this year I let her do what she wanted. So we had a party over the weekend and made it joint to celebrate Josh too. Bella doesn't want his birthday to be forgotten. Her idea not mine thought i agree with it.
So today Bella got to spend the morning putting together her Lego sets. Even Max played well with her, which was great. She played with her calf a bunch too. We then went to visit Josh's grave and decortate with balloons. Lunch was at The Corner before we went to the movies and saw The Emoji Movie. On the way home she got to pick out an ice cream cake of her choice and supper of her choice. Then we hit up the pool for swimming lesson and home for supper and cake.

Time for the recap the last year:

Bella you are 4 ft 7.25 inches tall and 78 lbs.  Your hair is very long and dishwater blond. Durning the school year we would style it every day, during the summer you have been putting it up in your own ponytail.  You haven't lost any teeth on your own this year, the dentist pulled one which was pretty rough on you. Just in the last week you have another wiggly one.

You completed 3rd grade and did awesome.  You have a gift for spelling and math, once explained for you. You love science still. we struggled with reading but you have come around. You have great reading skills you just don't want to use them.  Your favorite books are nonfiction about animals. you say you want to be a vet to marine animals. Your current best friends are Elsie and Ella. You are excited about starting 4th grade. I'm excited to watch you grow this year as you are upstairs now at school with a locker.

Again you have surprised me with your grief. You have been doing so well with the 2nd year of Daddy being gone. You like to talk about him and remember things with me and max. You always take your daddy doll with you to sleep. You have had your tough moments but talking it out and a few tears seem to help. You went through grief group and camp Kesum. I think both have really helped you .

The loss of Daddy has brought you and Max even closer. You guys have always been close but now you are always there for him. At school you watch out for him, when I'm not around you make sure he's not alone. Together you guys make up some great games and pretend play.  You love to show him and sometimes do things for him but he speaks up when he is done with you being the boss.

Just last month you went to Camp Gray and had an awesome time. I love seeing you flourish with new people and places. You also started piano lessons and are doing really well. Better then your mom ever did.

The Animal lover in your keeps you doing chores twice a day for the animals. We had two calves born in the last year and then we sold our two cows and one calf.  But you have made it your mission to get Carmel to be your pet. It reminds me of my time with Brownie as a calf. you have manged to halter break her. Also you taught her to eat out of treat ball. You also can tell all our chickens apart. You are so good at collecting frogs, toads, and most bugs.

Oh My Sweet little Bug,
You have grown so much in the last year. You are very mature most of the time and take on a lot of responsibility yet are still very innocent. I pray that you remain that way for a bit longer. I"m not sure I would have made it this long without you. There is a lot of your daddy in you and it makes my heart smile when you walk into a room and say "hello" It' s just like him. You love to be outside and with the animals. Your mind is also so creative. The things you think of sometimes blow me away.  I still think of you as the tiny baby that looked lost in your daddy's arms. We are both so proud of all that you have become. Bring on 9 and hope it's a great year too!  Love you, Mommy

Celebrating Life

At Josh's funeral a lot of people came up to me and told me stories about Josh. The problem was my mind wasn't really there. I was still in a daze because this wasn't suppose to happen. So fast-foward to August and i wanted to have a celebration of life party for josh. Do something to remember the happy times and maybe hear more of those stories. Problem was i wasn't in a good place to do it. Also the timing wasn't good either, while it was the 6 months of his passing, it was also the day after Bella got home from camp and the weekend before school started. If i did something i wanted to make Josh proud. Which I know first he would have said, "I don't need anything. " then he would have said "Whatever you do, I'm proud of you"  He knew how much anxiety I get with parties and how I doubted myself on whether everyone would be happy.  So I gave up for awhile.
I couldn't do anything in February because i didn't know how i would feel. If someone else would have planned it, maybe but I couldn't be counted on.  So the kids and I disappeared for the day.  Was it the right move, at the time yes. Do I regret it, not really. Do i wish i would have been with those who loved him , yes I do.  So when Bella asked if we would celebrate daddy's birthday, I said yes!
So I started planning in May a celebration of Life and Birthday party in one. I had some ideas in my head what i wanted to happen, but as the time got closer, Bella had ideas of what she wanted. We rolled with it.
So Saturday showed up and I don't know how I made it to the end of the day. My anxiety was high and i wanted to shut down, but someone had to give directions. Also this was for Bella and Josh, so hiding out didn't work so well. I guess lucky for me, Ben was here and my mom showed up early. I'll admit i took a backseat with the two of them there. People arrived at all different times, some i wasn't expecting which made the day nice. The kids took over the party. They were running all over and having so much fun. We had a wonderful weather day. Ran a little short on chairs but perfect amount of food/cake.  I think i was able to visit with everyone for a little bit. I got a baby fix in for short time. Pictures got taken so there is proof of the day. Bella had a smile on her face most of the time. The one time she didn't, it was quickly changed up due to a good friend. Max was able ot play with a buddy that he normally doesn't get to see, so I'm so happy they came or he would have been surrounded by mostly girls. Wonderful family and friends manged to get my shop door fixed and our new wooden swing together. Those right there brought things back to Josh. he would have loved to have family here to help him get something big done at a party. The last birthday party it was an antenna on the trailer.  This was also the first time that a lot of people saw the completed and decorated house.
After people slowly started to trickle away, i realized that my idea of wishes for josh didn't really get done. Kind of bummed on that, but the few of us that remained were able to send wishes to Josh. We will see in a few years how Bella's time capsule turns out.
We ended the night going down to the river and trying to fish.. which seemed very fitting for a Josh celebration.

another weekend on the road

We arrived back home and started doing a few egg experiments thanks to the free eggs from the coop. First up was a rubber egg that was created by sticking in egg in vinegar for 7 days. No pictures of that one. but it was kind of cool to touch but then what to do with it. lol then we did an egg drop. Bella won, but Max's was the stinkiest..he picked an egg from our barn.. not a wise move.

Saturday we got up bright and early and left for Iowa to meet the newest family member and celebrate his brother's 2nd birthday

the kids got loved on by their family.

Bella and Max with the birthday boy..and his bubble train that max now wants.

bear hugs to real bears

The party came to an end when the river was rising and we had to get out of the area. So we headed back to Grandpa and Grandma judy's . We joined them for church and then hung out until it was bed time. Just a nice relaxing evening and the kids enjoyed the playtime.

Sunday morning we were up before the sun to go fishing. We fished at the dam but on the wisconsin side. it was pretty foggy for most of the morning but we got to see a barge going through the locks so that was fun. Also got a fun bag with goodies in from one of hte workers.

the moth that Grandma Judy thought was a leaf but Bella seemed to know it wasn't.

She got a fish!

The fish i caught

This litle guy didn't have any luck. but he was a trooper. I'm very proud of him.

we visited another site that Josh and I visted almost 10 year ago.

after fishing we decided to head back home. This mama was tried and knew we had a lot of working coming up. But we stopped for cheese because we didn't get to when we were down earlier in the week.