As these days have approached, the loss of Josh has appeared more evident. Last summer, I was in denial and shock through most of the summer. I was also distracted by trying to get a house built and learn how to be a computer teacher. We have been spending every night out on the patio before bed playing outside. The kids just need that extra fresh air to not fight falling asleep. While we are out there, a cardinal has visited our bird feeder each night.
I know that Josh would totally be outside with us if he could be, so seeing that cardinal reinforces I'm doing the right thing, since it's shaves 30 mins off bedtime. OOPs.
We also have spent time outside planting our garden. IT's not the best or more organized, but it's ours and it has the few things we really enjoy, corn and pumpkins. I'm sending lots of prayers up that our corn will make it.
I opened my phone up yesterday to be flooded with memories from our times outdoors. From times on the farm(first harvest) to swimming at my sisters to celebrate my nieces birthday to the big father's day fishing trip we did early because Josh would be in the hospital for father's day. That fishing trip got me the most. We had such a blast. Max was only 7 months but he was happy as long as he was with us, that's all he needed was Mama, Dada and sometimes Bella. Bella was so into fishing and wanting her and daddy to catch the big fish. We moved to quite a few locations so she never got bored. She was was Josh's shadow when we went fishing.
Seeing all those photos makes me mourn the fact that we haven't been out fishing yet this year. yes i could take them to the mill pond by us,but what do i do if we caught a fish? I have no luck taking them off the hook. I just want someone to take us out fishing, take the boat out for a ride and just let the kids explore the lake/pond/river. How does one even start to look for that person when i know who i want to do it, but yet he's unable too.
In my mourning state I went to a vintage /craft sale in the rain. So many things reminded me of Josh and how he would love them. I did get a couple pictures to put up that combine Josh and I. They don't scream Josh unless you know about our history. I don't want our house a shrine to him, but so much of my life has been with him.
Then i took a little me time and got my hair done. It was nice to catch up with my hair stylist and not worry about anything else. But afterwards i was back on mom duty, picking up my kids from my mom's and heading to farm and fleet. No better place to mourn your husband then his favorite store..or maybe the store he always spend the most money in. I did the same as him before coming home. The kids picked out a slip and slide. Since it was warm enough and we have enough hills now. So we broke that out first things we when got home. Granted we aren't able to put it on a big hill yet, since the hose is too short and they wanted shade, but they still had a blast using it.
Somehow i manged to pull them away from it to get dress for church, which we showed up late too. Ugh, but we went up to the balcony, which was good because Max needed to be rocked to sleep and then slept through Mass. My arms were jelly by the time I got him to the car. I guess I was exercising my spirit and arms. We ventured to The Corner for supper, as i wasn't up for making it after a long and busy day.
I could have gone home after we ate, but after my day, i wanted to be closer to Josh. So we went to the cemetery and hung out for almost an hour. The kids just ran and played. I sat on the bench taking it all in and feeling close to josh. I hate that i have travel 20 mins from my house to be close to my husband, but at least i'm able to do that, I know some people aren't. With the shade tree and open area around us, it's perfect to hang out at. Again we are outdoors.. it seems to be a theme or a calling
