Father day 2017

So i kind of took a blogging break. I uploaded pictures to tell what we did the previous weekend, and then never actually typed out a post. It was almost like it was prologue to this weekend.  We went down to visit Great Grandma and stay at the farm. Grandma and Tim were down too, so we saw a lot of people. It was our time at the farm that i saw a glimpse of what our lives were suppose to be. The kids running free on the farm, dirty from head to toe and imaginations running wild. My kids got to play with thier farmer kids friends. I took no pictures instead i watch them run and play hide and seek, then come back to see the adults before off again to turn a bale cart into a bus. The freedom was wonderful as i didn't have to worry because they know the boundaries. Then the next morning my kids got up at 6am to go help feed calves and mix feed. They were in heaven. I'm so grateful they get this chance, but it should be with their daddy out there. The sting of Josh not there hit hard.

Then bright and early Sunday morning we headed to spend this weekend with Grandpa and Grandma Judy's/ We made a pit stop in Lancaster for donuts and clothes and then headed the rest of the way.  I'll admit i had some anxiety over the weekend. I struggle traveling with the kids because i'm always on. When we are at home, I can take a break, but when we travel it's all me, all the time.  Also struggling over what this weekend meant. Josh always loved Father's day. It seemed to be the kick off to fishing. Even though the season started much sooner, it seemed father's day weekend was the first time he would make it out to the water.  He and his dad had bonded over fishing and shared a great love for it. It was something Josh had in common with his brothers and they could all do it without brotherly competition. Josh's sister also enjoyed it, just for the day but still it was a time that the family came together. It seemed to be the one day that all did come together.  Josh missing is very evident on this weekend.  Also we all know how my kids can be around family.. It something we are working on with Max, but it's not going to be an overnight fix.
So we seemed to ease into the family cookout when we arrived. We started otu playing with cousins which kids are always relaxing since they don't care about who should be there or who's missing, they just want to play.  It's also nice to see the nephews and niece.  The cookout went well, and the big hit was Grandpa's bike for the kids. Then Grandpa and Uncle Tony fixed my car. *praise the lord*  These little things make me really miss having Josh, since i called to get my car in to be fixed and they couldn't get me in.  The kids enjoyed playing once thier cousins left and going out with Grandpa.
We hit up Cabela's with Grandma Judy to get new fishing poles for the kids. In the true sprit of Josh, i got a new pole too.. and then after i put it together i think i already have the same pole but left at home. Totally a Josh move. Then it was church and supper before going to bed.

Somehow We all ended up going fishing before the sun was up. I thought just Bella would go, but we all went. Getting up was hard, but luckily i had Uncle Ben i the car with me to keep me awake. The kids ended up having a blast.  I swear Josh was with us when the sun rays shone down on us. We also had a dragon fly that wouldn't' leave the area.
The whole time there was just peaceful. It was an area josh loved to fish, but didn't make it there often because the best fishing times were also milking times. It was also abotu 1.5 hour from our farm.  The last time i had been out there was 10 year ago, because once bella was born, it wasn't a safe place or a place to confine a baby for long periods of time. Josh would try to make it out at least once a year with his dad, sometimes father's day weekend, sometimes when he could sneak away.  Being out there i just left whatever happen happen. Bella was just fine on her own or with one person , but she stuck it out the whole time. I don't think she really abandoned a pole the whole time we were out there which was 4.5 hours. Max did good for not being big into fishing. Poor Kid just hasn't been able ot go out as much as Bella had by his age. he fished until about 8:30 am and then he was done and ready for a nap..and nap he did. He slept for about 2 hours.

The drive home was just long, which i knew it would be after the busy weekend. then we arrived home and there was no father to spoil. Well we had letters for him and a balloon, but it meant leaving the house and going to a granite stone bench. Which we did do. But I think it really hits home, harder then the one year anniversary, as today was all about josh and just josh. As a child who didn't have a father to celebrate the day with, Josh taught me what the day was about, first with sharing his dad and then as a father himself.  So i should be use to the day as just any old day, but after 11 years, I wanted to celebrate it.
So we made it out to visit Josh. At first the kids wanted to go right away, but i couldn't bring myself to leave so quickly. I noticed in the grass that you can still see the soil that was ripped apart to cover my husband. I can still see the whole rectangle that matches the length of my husband. I can still see the ruminates of the different leaves from teh flowers taht lived on his final resting spot until we were able to get the bench put in. So i did something that i hadn't done before. I laid down. Whle there was grass, roots , soil, wood and cloth between us, it felt right. I felt him closer then i have before when we have gone to visit. I've seen the pictures of people laying down at graves, but never understood it unitl that moment. Somehow I didn't want to leave, so i saw the clouds start to move in. The once blue sky now had white wispy clouds moving through. For 15 mins the kids and I laid on daddy and looked at the sky to make out what the pictures were. It was as if Josh was watching from above us. Two worlds apart but connected by a simple sky.

Happy Father's day my love! I hope you enjoyed our celebration for you .

**Warning RAW Feelings***

I came across this picture today and it matched my feelings.  I've never really known who I was or am. I was a kid, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a graduate, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, a caregiver and a widow all in a short time. I've always tried to be there for everyone and make sure everyone is good.  For myself I do very little and it shows. I don't take care of myself, I'm a grumpy mother at home and I just crash at night, praying the next day will be better then the last.
This isn't a pity party post, this is a post of emotions and letting them out. Will it help me, I pray it does, as I've been bottling up for while. Do I like these feelings? NO! I feel like I've failed others because I'm not happy, energetic and there all the time. 
I've been working on trying to add  a few more "Me things" into my life. I'll admit I'm grasping at that, because when i was asked "what are you good at? what do you like to do? " I couldn't come up with much. while i'm sure someone reading this could come up with things, I just don't feel it.
While Josh was alive it was easy to focus on him and his needs. We were out to have fun and create a lasting memories, it was easy to get lost in that. We were often surrounded by friends and family because everyone wanted to help us with those memories. It was wonderful and overwhelming at times.  When Josh died, I kind of closed off everyone. I didn't want to share my grief with others. I thought it was just something i had to go through alone. Then I realized how silly that was and got help. Part of dealing with my grief is dealing with the emotions and feelings that go all the way back to the beginning of my life. Who knew it was all connected. Apparently how you deal with major life sadness is formed when you are a child.
So now i need to figure out how I dealt with bad things then to figure out how to get through it now. The now part is finding me.  Since stepping back I've felt very off. I'm not a wait around for others type of person, I've always been the one to step up and say " lets hang out. How about a movie, or when are you free for a gathering? "  As time as gone on, it seems strange to ask again because I don't want to seem like the person who uses someone only when it's convenient for me.  I've lost quite a few people that I wish i wouldn't have, but praying that someway we will connect again.

As I go through this time of change i pray my friend and family for the grace forgiveness and understanding. I ask God to help me to figure out what's the best place for me to be and how I can be me.

Family and Friends are so important these days, if Josh's life has taught me anything. Some times I regret our move before Josh got sick again. I knew how to be on my own there, I learned how to run my house with a farmer who was in the field from dark to dark. I had places that i was comfortable with to take the kids to spend a few hours to let them just run and give my brain a recharge. I feel like there everyone knew Josh and I could create his legacy.  Then I think of the one year and 7 months of memories that Josh was able to make here. he was able to give his all to his kids because he wasn't in the fields from dark to dark. He was happy out fishing every chance he got. The kids got one on one time learning abot what Josh loved best. In those worst time we were close for everyone to hang out with the kids when I was need with Josh or when it came time for goodbyes.  I also gained a 2nd church family who has shared so much love with us. They have been through this before and knew all the right stuff. They have helped so that I'm able to provide for my family and yet I'm with my kids everyday. God has a reason and so I trust in that.

 It come down for there is a reason for every season.  I long for the day that i'm in the same season as so many other in my life. I know the time will come. I know that right now it's different. When that times comes I'll be there to help them as I've had other to help me.
In the end I know it will all be ok. Part of me is forever gone and i'll never get it back, but now i need to turn the rest of me into something that can make it without that missing part.  I know the journey maybe lonely and hard, but it could all be lighter and slightly less hard. Keeping the Faith will help me through.

The End of the Year

Wow! I sit here this morning as the first day of Summer break. How has a whole school year gone by so quickly.  My kids have grown so much both in smart and height! This week alone went by in the blink of an eye.
We had so many events this week: Start of swimming lessons, an all day field trip in 3rd grade,  Water fun day in Pre-K, Cleaning and Awards day, Graduation of the 8th graders and the end of the year picnic!  More on these in a minute.

Bella has made it through third grade. I'll be honest I didn't know what to expect this year. I know that third grade gets harder in terms of knowledge and what is expected of the kids, but at the same time in Bella's school she is still downstairs with the Pre-k through 2nd grade, so hard to think of her has older. Also the teacher was new, so no one knew what to expect in class. Bella has a great year! She really learned more responsibility. She's a pro at spelling, not sure where she gets it from, but i think her daddy.  Her math has taken off too and she has so much potential that we hope it continues next year. We struggled with getting her to read this year. Still not sure we will ever know why she turned away from it, but with the help of her teacher, Ms. S, she got her reading again. bella started playing the recorder and master that quickly! Because of this, she has now started piano lessons with Mrs. H.  Speaking at church is still one of Bella's favorite things.  I loved the history that Ms. S pointed out to the students in class and the field trips that continued to flame that spark. bella has passed that on to her brother and allowed more family trips to historical sites.  3rd grade was another great year for Bella and we look forward to seeing what 4th grade shall bring.

Max has completed Pre-K4. This one is really hard to imagine. We have had the same teachers for the last two years. They are more like family then teachers. Max has grown so much, 3 inches! He started out the year in speech and still struggling to say some words, but something clicked and by his 5th birthday he graduated out of speech. Max's creativity has grown, too. Only Ms Michele, Ms Shawn and Mrs. B are able to get him to paint, color and sparkle.  he learned how to write his first and last name. He has made some great friends, including some girls ;) While i know he's totally ready for kindergarten, it's going to be hard to see my baby move on from the first place he started to learn.

 I took pictures of the kids on the last day of school now standing in front of our new front door. The first day of school pictures were taken on the porch of her trailer. the one that Josh had built and I had to destroy. We now live in the house that Josh and I dreamed about while he was alive and finally was able to be bulit after he died.  This was the first school year without Josh. There was no daddy to walk them in, watch them perform, attend field trips or celebrate the end of the year. We know he is with us, but so hard to not have him physically missing all these big moments.  looking at the pictures you can see how much the kids have changed and grown, we miss him so and wish he could in the pictures with us.

So one thing i'm trying to do more of for me is take pictures. My kids are sick of my camera, so I've been able to get my camera out for some of the fun events in the last week of school. We had Bella's class along with the 4th graders on a field trip then i got to capture Max's class having fun in the water! I decided to use my camera at the awards so that i could share with parents who aren't able to attend, and the end of the year picnic. It was just so much fun and the kids are so happy and carefree when doing these fun things :)

 Teacher friends rock!

 This toy was awesome!

 So pretty!

Snack before water ful

 This little pool held about 8-10 kids at any give time.. it mightbe little but they loved it.

 This was the biggest hit..it went so high

 Geyser fun.. learning science is cool before you know what science is.

 climbing trees

 Shooting rubber bands to knock down cans

Just missing one.. Love these girls!

Memories of Outdoors

This past week has flown by. It was crazy and I'll admit i was totally off with having the Monday off. Don't get me wrong i was grateful for it, but it puts my already unknown day another days. While we had that holiday break, Summer arrived in full force. We have had 80 degree days, some thunderstorms that brought with it humidity that makes you feel like you have just showered.   The kids are ready to be done with school and it seems like all that is left in school is the fun stuff: extra recess, games, treats and field trips :)

As these days have approached, the loss of Josh has appeared more evident. Last summer, I was in denial and shock through most of the summer. I was also distracted by trying to get a house built and learn how to be a computer teacher.  We have been spending every night out on the patio before bed playing outside. The kids just need that extra fresh air to not fight falling asleep. While we are out there, a cardinal has visited our bird feeder each night.

I know that Josh would totally be outside with us if he could be, so seeing that cardinal reinforces I'm doing the right thing, since it's shaves 30 mins off bedtime. OOPs.

We also have spent time outside planting our garden. IT's not the best or more organized, but it's ours and it has the few things we really enjoy, corn and pumpkins. I'm sending lots of prayers up that our corn will make it.

I opened my phone up yesterday to be flooded with memories from our times outdoors. From times on the farm(first harvest) to swimming at my sisters to celebrate my nieces birthday to the big father's day fishing trip we did early because Josh would be in the hospital for father's day.  That fishing trip got me the most. We had such a blast. Max was only 7 months but he was happy as long as he was with us, that's all he needed was Mama, Dada and sometimes Bella. Bella was so into fishing and wanting her and daddy to catch the big fish. We moved to quite a few locations so she never got bored. She was was Josh's shadow when we went fishing.

Seeing all those photos makes me mourn the fact that we haven't been out fishing yet this year. yes i could take them to the mill pond by us,but what do i do if we caught a fish? I have no luck taking them off the hook.  I just want someone to take us out fishing, take the boat out for a ride and just let the kids explore the lake/pond/river.  How does one even start to look for that person when i know who i want to do it, but yet he's unable too.
In my mourning state I went to a vintage /craft sale in the rain. So many things reminded me of Josh and how he would love them. I did get a couple pictures to put up that combine Josh and I. They don't scream Josh unless you know about our history. I don't want our house a shrine to him, but so much of my life has been with him.
Then i took a little me time and got my hair done. It was nice to catch up with my hair stylist and not worry about anything else. But afterwards i was back on mom duty, picking up my kids from my mom's and heading to farm and fleet. No better place to mourn your husband then his favorite store..or maybe the store he always spend the most money in.  I did the same as him before coming home. The kids picked out a slip and slide. Since it was warm enough and we have enough hills now. So we broke that out first things we when got home. Granted we aren't able to put it on a big hill yet, since the hose is too short and they wanted shade, but they still had a blast using it.

Somehow i manged to pull them away from it to get dress for church, which we showed up late too. Ugh, but we went up to the balcony, which was good because Max needed to be rocked to sleep and then slept through Mass. My arms were jelly by the time I got him to the car. I guess I was exercising my spirit and arms. We ventured to The Corner for supper, as i wasn't up for making it after a long and busy day.

I could have gone home after we ate, but after my day, i wanted to be closer to Josh. So we went to the cemetery and hung out for almost an hour. The kids just ran and played. I sat on the bench taking it all in and feeling close to josh. I hate that i have travel 20 mins from my house to be close to my husband, but at least i'm able to do that, I know some people aren't. With the shade tree and open area around us, it's perfect to hang out at.  Again we are outdoors.. it seems to be a theme or a calling