Last year i was numb through it all. I avoided my birthday by spending it with Shamu. Easter was the weekend before and i spent it packing for Florida. Like I really don't remember much of that weekend. I was back to work for my anniversary last year and didn't make it through the day.
This year I didn't know what to expect. I knew I had to face it, as it was the "First" anymore. The whole week just seemed off. It wasn't until a day or so later that i realized it was the 27th. I hate the 27th, i shouldn't as it's just a day, but it's the monthly reminder that another month has gone by. I don't' set up to dread the 27th, but it will sneak up on me and about the time I'm going to bed I figure it out. I honestly didn't' know what i wanted to do for my birthday. Part of me just wanted to hid away and pretended it didn't happen, part of me wanted to go out and have a good time. (like a date night minus my sweet husband) , part of me knew I should spend it with my family and part of me just wanted someone to say " you are doing this" .
Well I guess in a way that all happened. Two friends, Tiffany and Lori, spend most of the week trying to figure out what i was doing for my birthday and I just kept saying "i don't know" So they took it upon themselves to plan my night. My mom helped my kids get presents for me so Bella presented those to me at 6am! Also my mom got me an ice cream cake that we feasted on for a week! Then i made it through work with the help of friends. Having Lunch with Tiffany and the boy and being told that her husband would watch my kids and we were going out. I wasn't sure how it would all work out, but it was a great time. We had more friends join us out and it was a great evening. Ironically Josh would have loved it. Due to some car swapping I even ended up seeing Tori for a bit. I have no pictures from the time out,but it was a really good night.
Saturday we ended up in Pewaukee so that Tracey and I could go to a paint bar to do a painting together. We made rustic barns. It was a nice time just the two of us, something that really doesn't happen very often, which is why it was what i wanted for my birthday. It's about the present and who's present, not a "thing"
Sunday was so busy, we had choir pratice, then church. After Church I took Max to my mom's house, ran home for Bella and I to change before heading to see Beauty and the Beast at the Fireside. We met my friend Lori and her daughter there and had a great time. The show was really good and i think Bella enjoyed her self. I know she enjoyed the attention.
After the weekend i was feeling really good, but then the next week got crazy. Many different things, crazy nights, no time to stop and slow down. By the weekend i was done. I didn't want to do anything anymore, like i hit a wall. Problem is I can't seem to back up from that wall. The thing that i'm finally realizing is Josh was my reverse from the wall. I could tell him anything to just get it out of my head, I could count on him when i needed two things done at once, I knew i was safe with him here. I want that again, only I don't know how to get it. I know that i have friends i can talk too, but they all have someone else and I don't want to be the third wheel. They can't help it, its just the way life is. I'm working on to deal with this, but it's not a quick fix as i had hoped.
Today is a big reminder of what i have to work on because josh isn't here. It's my first full year without him. Today should be 10 year of wedding bliss. We should be planning a vacation to Hawaii this year or even better year back to Germany. It was going to be our first trip just the two of since our honeymoon. Instead I'll stop by his grave to say i love him and maybe buy myself some flowers and pretend they were picked out by him.
http://warpinskis.blogspot.com/2015/04/happy-8-years.html
This was our happy 8 years together. wasn't a day to remember other then the flowers that arrived from him. Those flowers will get planted this week in my yard.
We will spend all weekend with family, it will be hard, i won't lie, but my kids deserve to be able to see and spend time with family. I want them to know there cousins and have thier aunt and uncles know them too. maybe in time they will get some insight into the man thier dad was and learn through others of what it was like before they knew him.
My blogging might not be to happy these days, but I've spent too long pretending and putting on a happy face, it's time now face the ugly side of grief. I know some don't agree or it will be to hard for them to deal with, but it's out there and it's a part of me. My life was forever changed that day and no matter how hard I try to go back, I can't. I just pray that I can figure it out and hope that the support will be there once I do, since i won't be the same as before.
